I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

April 17, 2014 Steven Wright

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

April 16, 2014 Emo Philips

I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.

April 15, 2014 John Cleese

Some of the greatest love affairs I’ve known have involved one actor — unassisted.

April 14, 2014 Wilson Mizner

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

April 13, 2014 Albert Einstein

Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

April 12, 2014 Anonymous

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

April 11, 2014 Elayne Boosler

Every murderer is probably somebody’s old friend.

April 10, 2014 Agatha Christie

Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow; Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead; Walk beside me, and just be my friend.

April 9, 2014 Albert Camus

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!

April 8, 2014 Doug Larson